I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
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so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
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Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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