Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
