My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's the barista slut.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
