forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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