I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Randomize
