I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
