I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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