my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
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