If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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