Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
