Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
