I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
