you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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