Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
