Already got asked if we're dating
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
