I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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