careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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