just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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