He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
