I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
