Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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