I can tuck mytits in my pants
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
