Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
