put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
