Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Randomize
