my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
