goodnight i made you a song goodbye
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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