sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
