Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
