I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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