I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
