if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I need to calm my uterus...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
