so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
