omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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