Kareoke will never be a sober sport
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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