Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
