i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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