vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
