for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm like, not good at living.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
