Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
