I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
