I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
