Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
