Michael Bay diarrhea
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
