my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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