toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
