And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
