I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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