He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
