Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
