it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
where are you?
Hypothermia
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
