What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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