The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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