Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
