two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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