I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
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Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
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I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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