i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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