my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
