My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
