Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
