There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
