just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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