Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In other news, I just burned my penis
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
