Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
