You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
