fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
