i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
